Aching Spine

2004-11-12 04:38:38

Aching Spine


I don't have much to write... exccet that I've survived
another day.

Ben the Nerd and I worked on some more meditation today.
He says soon I will be able to change my whole way of
thinking. I will be a positive person! It frustrates me
because instead of helping me relax, it makes my spine
ache. I only feel more at a breaking point when we are
finished. But I appreciate him helping me.

I caught him staring at me. I asked him what the matter
was and he said, "oh, nothing. I was just noticing your
hair." I am clueless as to how to take that.

Tonight, I tried to unload my worries off to Don, but that
only lead to him "solving my problems" and him talking
about his life is much worse off. So then we were both
depressed.

I eventually got frustrated and began to hit him
fiercely with a pillow, which only lead to a play fight,
which lead to a severe blow to the head.

I cried. Not because of the throbbing pain, but because
all I felt like the whole day was crying. It was hard to
stop.



*****flash forward*****

This is about the time I started spending a lot of time with Ben. He was just so different from all the other stupid boys I spent time with. He was extremely intelligent, very kind, a great listener, and a marvelous shopping companion - my perfect gay bff. For all I knew, at least...

And laugh all you want, but there has always been a bit of angst in me. Sometimes, at the most inappropriate times, I just felt like crying.